そして今日

2008-07-06 (日)
- 或る日常の風景/学級日誌

月日が流れるのは早いもの。今年もこの日を迎えました。
あと10時間あまりで平成21年度 東京都公立学校教員採用候補者選考試験がはじまります。

昨年に引き続き、社会人特例選考で受験します。
試験の内容は小論文(90分)

平成21年度 東京都公立学校教員採用候補者選考試験 受験票 fig.今年の試験会場は明治大学

社会人2年目のときに初めて神奈川県を受験したときは、まさかここまで落ち続けるとは考えもしなかった。
倍率は3~6倍。決して手の届かない目標ではないはずなのに。

「今の仕事と両方やって中途半端だからいつまで受からないんだ。どっちかに絞れ!」

元同期で今は社長でもあるishiiに2択を迫られて悩んだ挙げ句、退職して試験に専念することにした。現在無職。
前職場にはアルバイト待遇として勤めることにして、仕事の内容を軽くしてもらった………はずが、思惑通りに事は運ばないのが世の中の常。

そのことについて文句を言ったり、愚痴をこぼしたりするつもりはない。自分で決めたことだから。

そんな経緯もあり、いつになく前日から緊張しています。

前々会社のクラブ活動合宿のお誘いや、友人たちからの有り難いお誘いも全て断らせて頂きました。
土日は隣町の生涯学習センター内の図書館に籠もって、ひたすら勉強。
教育関係の本は何冊読んだろう。
それでも勉強すれば勉強するほど、悩む。迷う。

「本当の学力とはなんだろう?」
「どうしたら理科に興味を持ってもらえるのか?」
「なぜ学校で勉強しなければいけないのか?」
……etc

ここ数ヶ月はそんな自問自答の繰り返し。
本には色々なことが書いてあった。上述の答えらしきものも。
だけど自分には今ひとつピンと来ない。胸の奥にストンと落ちてくるものがない。

例年は小論文だけは自信満々な自分がいた(文章書くのは好きだから)。
でも今年は怖い。いつになく恐怖を感じる。
まだ試験を受けてすらいないのに、合格者名簿の中に自分の受験番号が見つからず途方に暮れる夢を見る。
冷や汗で目を覚まして、夢でよかったと安堵のため息をつく。

試験では「俺様の教育論で試験官に感動の涙を流させてやる!」ぐらいの勢いで書かないと合格はおぼつかないだろう。
勇気が欲しい。自信を持って書く勇気を。
とにかくやるしかない。

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